Where was their money going?
Emma asked Wayne about the cash withdrawals from their checking account. He had been taking clients out to dinner, he said. He looked down to his feet. She forgot about it.
A week later, she learned where the money had gone when his mother called. Would Emma get Wayne to stop giving it to his brother? The brother was unemployed and struggling with addiction. Their mother feared that the ready cash was keeping him from seeking treatment.
Emma confronted her husband.
“You couldn’t care less about him,” Wayne shouted back at her. “But he’s my brother.”
She had simply asked about money leaving their account. He was defending his loyalty to his brother. The client dinners were no longer part of his explanation.
What Is Financial Infidelity?
The Gottman Institute defines it this way: “Financial infidelity is defined as consciously or deliberately lying to a romantic partner about financial behavior.” Read the full guide.
Wayne had made a decision about their money, then misled Emma when she asked about it. Wayne had told Emma the money was for client dinners. Whether she agreed with helping his brother was a separate question.
In What Makes Love Last?, John Gottman calls lying to keep the peace “a breach of trust.” Does that mean the relationship is beyond repair?
No. But the couple has to recognize the betrayal before they can begin rebuilding trust.
He Knew She Would Be Angry
Wayne and Emma considered themselves happily married. They also argued to win.
Tell Emma? Wayne knew she would be furious. When she found out, he pointed to her anger as his explanation.
“I didn’t tell you because I knew you’d blow your stack just like you’re doing now.”
She was reacting as he had expected. She was also reacting to having been deceived.
Wayne still had to explain why he had told Emma the money was for something else. He could not make her responsible for his lie by pointing to how angry she was about it.
Rebuilding Trust After Financial Infidelity
For someone who has discovered a money secret, the next question might be: What else haven’t I been told?
The Gottman Institute’s guidance on financial infidelity recommends full financial disclosure and an end to the secrecy. A partner may need to see the records before they can believe another explanation. They also need time to take in what they have learned.
Can Wayne answer Emma’s questions about the payments without blaming her for the lie?
Gottman explains that apologies alone are not enough after a betrayal. “To find their way back to each other, the couple will need to work together on attuning.”
Attunement is a broader clinical concept in Gottman’s work. In this context, it can be understood as the desire and ability to understand and respect a partner’s inner world.
Can He Hear What Happened to Her?
His mother had told her what her husband wouldn’t.
When was she supposed to explain to Wayne what that had been like for her?
Gottman asks partners to explore each other’s inner world again after a betrayal. For Wayne, that involves hearing Emma’s experience without defending the lie.
Emma can listen to why Wayne wanted to help his brother and still disagree with giving him the money.
“Blind acceptance is never a healthy strategy,” Gottman writes. Sometimes, a partner speaks up out of care. Emma could object to the payments and still care about Wayne’s brother.
The next time she asks about their account, will he answer honestly even if he expects an objection? As John Gottman writes, “trust is built in very small moments.”
Starting the Conversation
If you have hidden spending, give your partner an accurate account of it. Share the records they need. Let them explain how finding out affected them first, before trying to negotiate what happens next.
If you have been deceived, ask for the information you need to understand what happened to your finances. When those conversations keep becoming arguments, a Gottman-trained couples therapist can help you address the breach of trust as well as the money.
Wayne and Emma could then discuss what help to offer his brother. They might still disagree about his brother. At least they would be talking about him, rather than client dinners that never happened.
If disclosing money would expose someone to threats or coercive control, seek individual support before a joint financial conversation. In the United States, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline.
Download an exercise designed to help you learn how to use conflict to communicate better rather than arguing endlessly.
Sign up for Love Notes and Get the FREE Gottman worksheet, What are You Really Fighting About.
For broader work on friendship and conflict, explore The Art and Science of Love online workshop, taught by Drs. John and Julie Gottman.
Sources: John Gottman and Nan Silver, What Makes Love Last?, chapter 5: Wayne and Emma, pp. 70–71; discussion of disapproval and attunement, pp. 81–82. The Gottman Institute, “Financial Infidelity Can Put Your Relationship at Risk” and “Exclusive Interview With John Gottman.” John Gottman, “John Gottman on Trust and Betrayal,” Greater Good, October 29, 2011.
